A Fashion Fantasy.

I was very happy with this finale until the end. Where shall I start?

SPOILER ALERT

I was very satisfied when Meredith and Shepherd’s baby was delivered. When Meredith saw her baby, her face lit and I can say that I’ve never seen her face that happy before. She was so happy, she started crying, and she made me cry. But then when she had a problem in her abdomen, I freaked out! I was on the edge of my seat while Meredith was telling Ross what to do. It was very interesting to see that she was still a mentor to her intern while being the patient. I also liked the scene where Shepherd was holding Zola, and Meredith was holding their newborn baby. The scene captured their happiness.

I am glad that April expressed her true feelings for Avery. It was like she couldn’t hold it in anymore, especially after seeing him almost die.

On the other hand, I was not a big fan of the intern who Alex liked, but when she started teaching the parents how to bag their kids, I had a new respect for her. And the way Alex said I love you to her was cute. Their kiss was perfect; the two went through a lot and to finally see them be together was nice.

Arizona and Cali. I really love those two, they are my favourite couple, but when Arizona and the new hot doctor started kissing I couldn’t resist the idea of the two being together. I think they would be really cute together, but when Cali saw Arizona’s ring pinned on to the doctor’s scrub, I freaked out! Cali’s face shattered into a million pieces, and I could feel her pain.

Finally, It was nice to see Bailey operating again. I loved the scene where she came out of the OR to tell  Christina and Shepherd about the surgery. I also really enjoyed watching Shepherd hug Bailey in happiness for saving his wife’s life.

Oh, and Richard. Richard is one of my favourite characters. He is a mentor, a father to all the doctors, and so so helpful. You can especially see that he is a good person in this episode. When he told Yang to listen to the heartbeat, I started smiling, because I could see that he always does bring out the best in people. He knows that every doctor has it in them to shine, and he helps them bring out the bright. So what I HATE is that Shonda shows us what an awesome person he is, and then at the end, lets him go to the electric room and shock himself. IS HE DEAD? HE BETTER NOT BE DEAD, HE IS IMPORTANT, HE IS ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS, AND I DON’T WANT HIM DEAD.

Shonda Rhimes always pisses me off in the finales of her seasons. Maybe she’s in love with death, if that’s the case, she should go off and kill an irrelevant character. JEEEEEZZZZZ.

Once the new year began, I thought to myself that this monster inside of me would disappear, and it did. Maybe it disappeared because I was to busy focusing on school, and busy making time for friends. But no, the truth is that I just hid the monster deep down inside of me. Until now, I thought I had escaped the negativity and the melancholy of this monster. Now school is over, and I’m back home, with all this free time on my hands. I should’ve known that with nothing to do, the monster would come rushing back to me. And it has.

I can’t help myself but worry, worry and worry. I worry about many things. But the main thing I worry about is the future, and what I will do after graduation. Now that I’m looking for a summer job, I’m terrified that I will become a failure after I graduate university. I’m scared that I won’t be able to pay off my student loans. If I can’t even find a job for the summer, is there any hope for a job after graduation? I feel like I need to meet up to these expectations set out by society. This is how it goes: graduate high school, go to university, graduate university, complete masters, get a high income job, get married, have kids, and live a happy life! Well it’s not that fucking simple! Jeez, I just want to smack everyone who sees life like that, and run off to a fantasy world. The sad part is that I conform to these societal norms, and I wish I could not, but because of my family, and the expectations from parents, I have no other choice. I worry too much, that I’m scared I will die from the overwhelming thoughts in my head. I worry I will become a failure, and that my parents won’t be proud of me. I worry that I won’t be able to find a job that I truly love and enjoy doing. I worry that I will be stuck in McDonald’s for my entire life. See, this is the monster. The monster brings negativity, and it consumes me. I can’t think positive about the future anymore. I think this monster will always be inside of me, it can never go away because that’s who I am; a pessimistic person. I may be positive for a while, but that’s all bullshit. For fuck sakes, happiness is so damn hard to achieve. Maybe if I keep myself busy, then the monster will disappear temporarily.

I just want to hug someone and let out a huge cry, and tell them how I feel. But I can’t because my negative thoughts, and my worries are not important, especially compared to what my friends are going through or anyone else.  I must be there for my friends now, help them out with whatever they’re going through. They don’t need to know that I’m dealing with a devilish monster in my mind. What I’ll try to do is deal with my worries alone, maybe even try to kill the monster, and find happiness. I just feel like If I rant about these stupid thoughts to someone, I’m being selfish, and stupid. So that is why I decided to write everything I’m feeling, and thinking here. I’m sorry if you’re reading this, and I have ruined your mood. Sorry, I just need to let out my thoughts somewhere. This monster is killing me, and I need to escape from it. I should continue reading books, watching TV shows, and working out to escape the scary monster.

The monster is back, and I’m currently trying to run away from it.

One reason i dislike summer vacation, is because i have all this free time to continue worrying and thinking about random things. There are so many thoughts running through my head, and I just want them to stop. What I need is to run through a dark forest, run as fast as I can, then abruptly stop and lay down on the ground and cry.

I’ve been feeling down for a couple of day, but that’s okay. I usually learn to pick myself up without anyone’s help, and that’s what matters. This weekend ill finish my last essay of 2nd year university and give myself a high five, and maybe buy a cupcake! :)

People have used, hurt, and lied to me, yet I still care so much for those people. People can be very mean sometimes and inconsiderate of your feelings, and I don’t understand how. Whenever I say someting, I try to make sure to not hurt anyone, because I really don’t like hurting people. And it really sucks when you love and care so much for a person, and they treat you like shit while knowing that you love them. After the heart breaks and shit my heart has put up with, it still wants love..i want someone to hug my heart. It’s like I have so much love to give to someone. I have not built up a wall in my heart, I let people into my heart way too easily. Maybe people will think I’m crazy for letting people hurting me. But I feel like that if I always open my heart for people and have love, I can one day find someone who can do the same for me. Of course I am scared that someone can break or hurt my again again, and I usually let people hurt me easily, but the funny part is I don’t care anymore. I want to try and go through whatever it takes to experience that love for someone where I feel extremely happy. I guess you could call my heart a risk-taker because I know someone can hurt me, but in order to find that happiness and love, i have to go through shit. I just see all these beautiful couples so happy, and I don’t get jealous. I look at the couples and I think “I will be happy like them with someone I really love”. Hopefully there is a guy who will love me for who I am, and if not, then I guess I’m somone who does not deserve to be loved.

Is there really someone who will love you for who you truly are? I just feel like that no one will ever love me because ill never be good enough or that I’m too weird.

I’m loosing faith in humanity slowly, and my heart is turning black. I can’t trust anyone because people have lied and hurt me so many times. I just want to escape this corrupted, consumerist world where animals are treated like shit and make my own world. A world where animals are respected and are not being eaten by humans. A world where money has no value and everyone helps out each other. A world where racism doesn’t exist, but homosexuality is acceptable. A world where what you wear doesn’t define you. A world where the power of love is greater than the power for greed. I wish

I think the only way to let demons into your head is to be unproductive. If you want to be positive, you gotta be productive. I mean like keep yourself busy. Don’t take naps, drink a lot of coffee and get things done. Because when you get things done, or just go the gym and be active, you won’t have time to worry or have negative thoughts. I’m going to try being productive. I mean its hard because laziness gets in the way, but I want to try. And I think you should try with me! Lets be productive and positive at the same time guys! :)

I said I wasn’t going to cry on Valentine’s Day and feel pathetic. But I can’t take it anymore. All the couples of Facebook and Instagram are shoving it in my face that they’re happy and they found the one, while I’m here still waiting for mine.. Fuck I hate this fucking holiday so much!

My friend and I were talking about finding that special guy who cares about you, does spontaneous romantic gestures, and maybe end up being your husband in the future. My friend and I crave that love.We see people around us that have that love and we want it too. But we also realized a lot of guys are different and don’t treat girls like that anymore. However, there are good guys, but very hard to find, and it’s sad. Many girls lower their standards but I’m not willing to do that. If other guys can treat other girls well, why can’t I have that too? Am I not worth it? I’m not selfish, I just think every girl deserves a guy who genuinely loves and cares for her. Maybe I won’t find that guy though because I have high standards, but that’s fine. Ya it would be lovely to have a guy who loves me, but I have love in my life already. My parents, my sister and my dog love me, that’s all I need right? At least I have people who I love… maybe those girls who have the special guy are lucky,they deserve it more than me because they are good people. Maybe I am not good enough or not worth enough to be loved by a guy.

You know when you have a shitty day during high school(well most of my days were shitty in high school) , and you bottle up all this sadness and loneliness in you while you walk the halls, answer questions and work in class, then you walk as fast as possible to get home, go to your room, jump on your bed and burst in tears? Ya that’s the worst fucking feeling ever.. I had to go through this so many times.. And it sucks.. Recently I revisited this scenario and, and UGHHHHHH!!!!

I just finished reading the Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald. All I want to do is hug the book and just go back to pages and live in the jazz age. Gatsby truly inspired me. The ending was sad but overall the book enlightened me. I’m so happy I read this book.

Okay I know what to do. I’m going to start pretending that I have a perfect life with no insecurities and low self esteem,and that I’ve found true happiness. Then maybe ill actually be happy.

I’m trying really really hard to be positive but i just can’t. It’s like I actually enjoy thinking negatively. Maybe I like the feeling of melancholy. But deep inside me, Im disgusted with myself and the way I think. I should be happy, it’s a new year, but no, I’m the same old miserable me.